Where Do We Go From Here

Sometimes I wonder how we get to certain points in our lives.  Are we happening to our lives or are our lives happening to us?

I have had EVITA stuck in my head for the past few days. "Where do we go from here?  This isn't where we intended to be.  We had it all.  You believed in me.  I believed in you."

But what do you do when you loose that belief.  When you wake up one day and you are in a place you NEVER imagined you would be.

I feel like my whole world is collapsing all around me.  The ones who you love the most, really do have the power to hurt you more than you ever thought possible.

Those that know me, know that I am not a crier, though motherhood has made me much more of one than I used to be.  This weekend though, I can't seem to stop crying.  My insides are ripping apart at the seams.

But, I have to.  I have to pull it together.  I have 4 boys counting on me to.  They need me strong and present.  So I will be...for THEM.

Off to School

My baby started preschool this week.  He was so excited and definitely ready for the stimulation and structure of school.

Of course, I walked him in on his first day.  While I am talking to the Coordinator, making sure they have everything they need for his enrollment, Ashton says "Mommy, you're talking to much!"  This kid was ready to get to his class!!

When we FINALLY get to the classroom (after reminding him to WALK about a dozen times), he wastes no time getting to the blocks and beginning his play.  I am standing there, trying not to cry (hey, this is my BABY, aren't tears expected!!), Ashton says "It's okay Mommy, you can go now.  I'm going to have a FUN day!"

He doe begrudgingly gives me the required kiss and hug, and quickly returned to his playing.

I guess I should be happy he is so excited for school.

I still can't believe all of my babies are in school now. :(

Kiss your boo-boo's

Gavin loves to climb into bed with me when I'm not feeling good.  This is one of our conversations.

Gavin: Mommy does your tummy hurt?

Me: Yes baby, my tummy hurts real bad.

Gavin: Why?

Me: Mommy has boo-boo's in her tummy.

Gavin: Can I kiss your boo-boo's and make them all better?

This kid always makes me smile!

Living with UC

In the past, I've been pretty closed about this subject.  It just wasn't something I wanted everyone to know about, and definitely not something I wanted blasted for the world (cause who isn't online these days?) to see.  But, in dealing with my disease these last few months, I've decided to throw caution to the wind and just be open about it. So here goes...

I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis in May of 2007, after about of month of literally running for the bathroom after every meal, and sometimes just a bite of food would send me racing.  I finally made an appointment with a GI specialist.  After a bunch of blood work, a sigmoidoscopy, and eventually a colonoscopy, the diagnosis was confirmed.  I had left-sided Ulcerative Colitis.  Which is basically inflammation and bleeding in the left-side (descending) and sigmoid colon.  My doctor initially wanted to get me into a new clinical trial he was started, but low and behold, I was pregnant!!  Yep...found that out at the GI doctor!!

The doctor's said either my disease would get way worse with pregnancy or it would get better.  50/50 So, they put me on the standard course of meds, Asacol, and sent me on my way to my OB/GYN.  I was lucky, I had absolutely no GI symptoms or problems through my pregnancy.  My racing for the bathroom stopped shortly after I found out I was pregnant (though I began racing for different reasons...gotta love pregnancy induced nausea!!).

Ashton was born in January 2008, and still my UC symptoms didn't return.  I got pretty bad about even remembering to take my medication. I've always been really bad about that...

I nursed Ash for a little over a year.  When I stopped nursing, in 2009, my UC flared with a vengeance!!  At first, I tried to be more diligent about taking my meds, but still I was hardly perfect.  So, after several months of running...back to the GI doctor I went.

Needless to say, they were shocked to see me.  They thought I had moved, switched doctors, or something.  After enduring a lecture (btw...I wish doctors would stop lecturing...I am an adult), the doctor prescribed steroids and increased my dosage of Asacol.

2 1/2 years later and I'm still not in remission.  See...UC is an incurable disease.  Medications can induce remission, where you don't have active symtoms, but "flares" inevitably occur.  I have been on no less than 8 medications in the past two years.  On and off prednisone (a corticosteroid) which itself has a ton of side effects.  I have days where I am so tired, I just lay around on the couch and give instructions to my children from bed. I carry extra clothes in my car for myself just in case I have an "accident" (and you thought those extra bags in the glove box were for the kids!). I am still working with my GI doctor on finding the right meds for me.  I will probably be starting a new one soon.

So, there it is...in a nutshell.  My name is Emmilee and I have Ulcerative Colitis!

For more information on UC, please go to the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America's website at ccfa.org.

Thanks for reading!  And just as a side note, I didn't share this because I need or want sympathy.  My only request is for understanding and prayers.  There are about 500,000 people in the US suffering from this disease.  Due to the nature of the disease, most don't talk openly about it.  For some reason, it's more acceptable to talk about your children's poo than your own poo!!

This is me...living with UC!

You're Beautiful

A common conversation with the 3 yr old.

Me: I love you!

Ashton: I love you too!

Me: You're handsome.

Ashton: No, you're Handsome.  I'm Beautiful!

Me: You ARE Beautiful!!

I love this crooked little smile!!

The Sandlot

Before going on an extended trip this summer (no kids...no husband...talk about FANTASTIC), I went to Best Buy and purchased a few new movies for my boys.  The Sand Lot was one of those movies.  I was trying to get my boys out of watching their traditional favorites Sponge Bob (gag!), Power Rangers (I just can't take it!), and Dora (for the millionth time!).

So I purchase The Sand Lot.  AWESOME! Total boy movie about Baseball.  It's practically a classic.

We (and by we, I mean they) watched it about 3 times on the way to Grandma's (they stayed with my most AMAZING mother for 3 weeks!!).  They loved it.  I AM THE MOST AWESOME MOM EVER!!!

Cut to 3 weeks later....

I return from my trip relaxed and refreshed, ready to be the most amazing mom ever.

We begin our journey home from Grandma's and of course they want to watch The Sand Lot.  Which I have been told they watched EVERY DAY at Grandma's at least once, sometimes twice.  But whatever, I just need them quiet and not arguing over who is touching who in the car.

So we start the movie...

The next thing I hear out of my three year old is...

"Oh S***!"

Me: What?  We don't say that!!  That is a BAD word!!

Ashton:  But the big boys say it!

Me: But we don't say it!!

This has me beginning to question my choice of an "old classic" like The Sand Lot as appropriate for children.

About 10 minutes later I hear again from the 3 year-old:

Ashton: L 7 Weanie!!

Me: (trying really hard not to laugh) Now, that's not very nice.

Ashton: L 7 2 1 Weanie!! (over and over again)

So now I just try to ignore it!  Because clearly he sees me breaking!

About 10 minutes later, from the 5 yr. old:

Gavin: What the H*** is that!

Me: Now, you know better! We don't talk like that!  Where did you hear that from?

Gavin: The boy say it in The Sand Lot

I am now convinced that this movie was a terrible choice.  I must be a HORRIBLE mom for buying this. I look on the back of the movie case just to check out the rating...yep I was right...it IS PG.

Total parenting FAIL!!

(Since returning home they have continued watching The Sand Lot almost daily.  Hey, it's better than Sponge Bob!! Don't judge me!!)